Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
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His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
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I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize