my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
