Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
