Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
