You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
