Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
