I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
