I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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