i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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