she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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