I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
