He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
