that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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