You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
