I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
