You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
