half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
