tell your sister to shave her snatch
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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