someone threw a dead crab at me
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
