Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
