apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
