good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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