there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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