the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
