Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
