u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
