i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
