I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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