Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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