tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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