At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
