i think my mom watched the whole time
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hippo gnu deer
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
