she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
