new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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