I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
