I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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