I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
