My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
