Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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