I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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