He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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