Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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