Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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