Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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