The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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