Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
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By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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