So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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