Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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