he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He better not be in your backpack
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
