Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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