you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I am available for nakedness
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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