I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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