John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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