He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The convent might be a nice break from real life
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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