please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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